Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.

Mary Oliver


To check or not to check


The inner turmoil is hideous…. two problems.

1. Does checking make me as bad as him/her?

2. Do I really want to know….

I thought I was going crazy.  The mixed messages were really doing my head in.  I asked, both denied it, vehemently, I believed, cautiously, and watched, and listened.

And finally I checked his phone.

One messages…. all others deleted.

“I love you, I miss you xx”

My brain went into instant detail.

He was in the shower.  I phoned my friend, panicking, crying.  I read her the message.  She said “Go into the shower, tell him to get his sh** and f*** off.”

No!  I could be wrong, let me read it again…

You are not wrong, you know you are not wrong.  It’s what you think.  Probably worse…

Well, I didn’t, I smiled and kissed him goodbye, swallowed it all down and watched him go, checking his phone as he went.

A few weeks later, when it was all coming out into the open, I told him that I had looked at his message, I told him what I had seen.  His reaction?

“You bitch how dare you check my phone” 



What is an affair? When does it begin? Is it looking? Thinking? Doing?

I guess the answer to that question is always going to be depend on the person asking.

For me its easy. Telling someone something that I should know but don’t. Discussing my marriage with someone else. Talking through problems in my relationship with the one person in the world that wants to see it fail. Affair? to me yes, maybe to others no, but certainly when the lies began, the deceit, the covert phone calls no-one could call it anything else…



You know how you know… you just know… but you don’t want to know… so you just don’t.

Excuses, the world is full of them, and if you want to believe them you will.  No matter how much evidence there may be to the contrary.  There is comfort in excuses and lies.  Add to that trust and you give someone the ticket to get away with anything.

I want to point out that trust is not a weakness, it is not a character flaw or a fault of nature.  Betrayal of trust is……